In The Middle of a Testimony
Rachel’s Story
For years, we were unable to successfully conceive. For years, I thought maybe it wasn’t God’s plan for us to have more children. For a time, I even became a little bitter. I numbed the part of me that longed for another child because I was convinced it would not happen for us. We had tried and prayed for so long. Then, I felt guilty for feeling so heartbroken about it because we already had a child. Some people long for children and have none at all. Still, I wondered why God would put such a strong desire in my heart and not fulfill it.
We had several “chemical pregnancies” over the years- pregnancies that began and ended within the same couple of weeks. That was the worst part. Getting excited just to be heartbroken again. I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered if something had happened during the emergency C-section with Brenley that made me unable to be pregnant now.
I gave up hope. I was sick of hoping for something that seemed impossible. I convinced myself that maybe it wasn’t God who put the desire in our hearts for more children. It must have been God who caused us to stop having children for whatever reason He saw fit, and I had to learn to be okay with that. I thought I was good. Thought I was past it. Until our last community group service at the Prathers’.
I had just decided to stop hormone treatments that weren’t working. We needed to stop “trying” for a child because of the strain and stress it was causing. I was very emotional about it all. I felt the Holy Spirit telling me to share and ask for prayer. But I was on the verge of tears and didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I told God, “No. I can’t do this. Tell someone else to do it.” Wouldn’t you know that just as I said that in my heart, Alex spoke up and said something along the lines of, “This might sound awkward, but the Lord wants me to pray over the wombs in the room. Infertility is not from Him.”
I broke down. I mean, I ugly cried. I told them. I was still embarrassed crying like that. I knew there were others in the room who also had been praying for their first child, so again, I felt a little guilty since I already had one. But in that moment, I felt heard. I felt like my heartache really mattered to God, and He reminded me that I wasn’t alone. From that day forward, He began to restore my hope.
Another night at the Warehouse during a Prayer Night, God told me to give it all to Him. All of the hurt and anger and questions. He could handle it. He wanted me to be honest with Him. He wanted to heal me. I did. And I cried a lot. I felt so many emotions again that I had numbed over the years. He made me feel things I didn’t want to feel, but it was freeing.
My intimacy with God deepened immensely after that. I decided even if I never had another child, He was enough. What He had blessed me with was enough. Brenley is an amazing child, a blessing from Him. Mathew is the husband I couldn’t have even asked for. He’s more than everything I ever needed and wanted in a husband. I would be thankful for what God had already given.
But then, He started to tell me to get my hopes up. Specifically, I woke up with a song playing in my head I hadn’t heard in a while- Get Your Hopes Up by Josh Baldwin. He told me to keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking. He started highlighting promises in His word that spoke directly to my heart.
A close friend of mine (who also struggled with infertility for years and had recently become pregnant) gave me a book called The Hannah Anointing. I didn’t read all of it, but it turned my attention to Hannah’s story. I kept reading 1 Samuel 1 over and over. How God heard Hannah and granted the desires of her heart as she cried out to Him. I clung to that passage.
For weeks, every verse I opened to in my Bible pertained to the womb and putting hope in the Lord. May 1st, the Holy Spirit told me to write 1 Samuel 1:17 and put it on my mirror. So I did. Shortly after, I dreamt I was pregnant. The same week, I dreamt I was holding a son who looked just like Mathew with curly hair. A few times, wondered if I was making this all up.
Then, one evening walking to my mailbox (I had been expecting a package any day now), the Holy Spirit told me that I should be checking for the fulfillment of His promises as confidently as I checked the mailbox, knowing that it was surely coming. I froze in my yard and smiled. “Okay, Lord!”
A day or two later, He told me to praise Him as if I was already pregnant. So I did, not knowing if that meant it would be soon or in five years.
The following Sunday, which I believe was Mother’s Day, I was dancing with flags during worship. Ashley spontaneously started singing, “You’re in the middle of a testimony.” And I fell to my knees as the Spirit of God came over me. He was speaking directly to my heart. He was pulling together all of the verses, all of the promises. I wept. That was when I knew.
The next night I went home and a series of events caused me to take a pregnancy test. They all showed positives. No chemical pregnancy this time. We’re past that point. Now, I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I almost waited to post my testimony until later, “just in case,” but I can’t wait to give God glory for this. I refuse to live in fear of the “what ifs” when God so clearly gave us this child with His own hand. This is a promise He fulfilled. He took my hope which was dead, restored it, and fulfilled it. It’s a miracle that it is even happening, so I will praise Him and lift Him up.
I pray my testimony gives hope to others struggling to keep their hope alive. I just know in my spirit that there are so many others that He cannot wait bless with children, too. I believe He is more excited than we are to breathe new life into His children. Don’t lose hope. He is faithful. Keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking.
“With your mouth You have promised and with Your hand You have fulfilled it—as it is today.”
2 Chronicles 6:15b
“Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.””
1 Samuel 1:17
“I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted my request.”
1 Samuel 1:27
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalms 37:4
“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope.” Psalm 130:5
- Rachel